Connection

Caution: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE! Madonna "Human Nature".


This is how I've been feeling lately. I can't talk or express my perspective, my needs, desires, visions or wants without getting a quick slap on the hand.


I feel like I'm being shoved inside a "narrow room" filled with "bitterness and lies". 


The past few months I've been having an extra hard time connecting with friends, my husband and family. I just feel sort of trapped in my mind, my house, my shyness and my circumstances. And when I get the courage to speak up and express a need in order to find a better balance, it's been received with great opposition.


I know I am being vague, sorry. I know that there are some readers of my blog who probably know what I am talking about and that's good enough for me. I'm sure this scenario is applicable to any and all situations. 


Someone told me recently that they'd describe me as a stallion, just running free...and as of late, I've been reigned in and put in a stable. Even though I'm in this stable, I can still be happy and make it work, I just need to build some land under that stable. I really liked that analogy she gave me.


I know right now my situation with all things: in -laws, breastfeeding, work, love, fitness and communication are all so messy, so I am trying desperately to find a way to find peace in all the chaos.


How!?


Remember in my breasfeeding in public? post, where I talk about Brene Brown and her book called, "The Gifts of Imperfection"... well, in her book she talks about the 3 C's: courage, compassion and connection. While reading that book I knew that I really wanted to have more courage and I definitely lacked the compassion I desired, so I REALLY focused on those two C's. When I read about the connection component in Brene Brown's book, I just half-hazardously read it, not really feeling like it was something I could take much away from. I didn't read about connection and try to apply it to my life. But actually, (kind of funny how things work out this way) it's is CONNECTION that I need most of all 3 of the C's (at least RIGHT NOW in my life, connection is the one thing that is lacking). I NEED to feel connected to my husband, I NEED to feel connection with friends and family. Otherwise, I feel so ALONE. This "alone" feeling has really hit it's climax in the past few months, and really peaked just a few weeks ago. I felt like the only connections I was making were via text, emails and through FB. But where was my actual, physical connection and REAL voice conversations? There weren't much. And the conversations I was having with my husband were getting less frequent and/or met with opposition to ideas and needs that I voiced. So I have noticed lately that my problems are two-fold (well, actually...they're probably a TRILLION-fold, but let's address just two points). 


1) I need more connection, and 2) I need to create boundaries ...


Connection: "We feel connected in our lives when we reach out and connect."  
Sounds so simple when Brene Brown says that. But in order to connect, we have to be honest, vulnerable and trust that whoever we WANT to connect with is worthy of connecting with. If you end up not approving of something I did or judge me for it and think less of me, well ok...you're welcome to your own opinions but if we share our true selves with others, and if they're worthy of our friendship and connection, they shouldn't make you feel unworthy of love, or unworthy to have a different perspective.


I guess I've just realized that I've mastered the art of "looking good". I pretend all is well on my side of the tracks, pretend that I'm emotionally stable, pretend that my marriage is "hunky-dory", or whatever.


It is so incredibly exhausting pretending that things are always fine, when they're not. What I've realized now is that I've pushed a lot of my friends, maybe even some family members away because I'm so quick to address how they can change for the better, while I'm pretending to have my shit together...when I don't. At least not all of the time. 


I feel trapped in my mind because I've created my own perfect prison. 



Brene Brown says, "I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
"...we are wired for connection. It’s in our biology. From the time we are born, we need connection to thrive emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually."
Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 19). Hazelden. Kindle Edition. 



"If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions."
Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 22). Hazelden. Kindle Edition. 



Connecton, Connection, Connection! I need, I need, I need!


Ok, so point numero 2: Boundaries.

Most recently, my in-laws have been over a lot and due to the nicer weather we've been having my MIL (mother-in-law) wants to do a million projects at once, and while there is A LOT to do around the house, I feel paralyzed because I am afraid that if initiate one of the many projects, I'm going to be criticized, told what I did wrong, how I should have done it...and so then I don't do ANYTHING! It's just kind of the story of my life as of late. No one can live this way for long and keep sane. I want to just DO and be creative and let the fun, crazy, spontaneous me out, but I feel so stifled in my little "mind" prison that I cannot action any of my desires.  


I mean god-forbid I make up one of my flower container pots without the "ok" from my in-laws. I am just ranting and raving now, but I feel trapped in my life and I feel lonely because I've pushed my friends away because I don't reach out to connect. 


Here's a tid-bit on compassion from Brene's book, and I find that it really resonates with me and my relationship with my MIL: 
"Here’s what I learned: The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."
Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (pp. 16-17). Hazelden. Kindle Edition. 

However, I still have YET to find a way to create any sort of boundaries with my in-laws.


Alright, well baby is waking up from his nap...gotta run. 
Until next time...