F*d up Holiday

"No one’s gonna take my soul away, 
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday."-- Lana Del Rey

I was thinking how true it is that yes, no one is gonna take my soul away... but I'm not necessarily living like Jim Morrison, however, I agree that I am headed for a fucked up holiday.

Here's why... 

It's so fucked up that this is the first Holiday without family together. Jason is out of the picture, so it's just me and Dubs. My mom will be in the hospital on Thanksgiving for Wayne's 2nd knee surgery, and so there we have it: a fucked up holiday. 

I mean, I guess you could call if fucked up: divorce, no real plans, no momma-mother-matriarch to plan a Thanksgiving as she'll be tending her husband in surgery.

But really, I am truly grateful for all of it.

I am so grateful for such a fucking fantastic family. 

I live with one of the most inspiring, self educated, talented, charismatic persons in the world: Ben, my brother. 

He is such a god-send. He volunteers to watch Weston while I run to the grocery store. I mean this is huge.. going to the grocery store without a kid in-tow is like a mini-vacation, SeRIOUS!

Ok, so then I pull into the parking lot of our apartment and I see Ben and Weston swinging and dancing from the sidewalk. I just know Weston has so much fun with Uncle Ben. 

I know that Weston loves his Oma Becky, and looks forward to seeing her when I head to work during the week.

I am so grateful for my sister, Rachel...she offers me life and longevity and helps put things in perspective. I am so lucky we accidentally had kids together, only 3 months apart.

I am also grateful for my friendships: Liz, you inspire me to believe in myself and acknowledge the greatness that resides within me. Your example to love, lead and explore inspire me.

I'm also so lucky for the friendships I have at work and love them. I look forward to each day at work and could not ask to work for a better company and group of people.

I am truly so fortunate to have such kindness, generosity, love and compassion given to me by others. I hope to reciprocate it.

I am grateful for my health. I don't always remember that I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) but I am so fortunate to have the ability to eat clean and well, and for that I am blessed to experience less episodes of pain and flare ups (thank you Paleo!). I think sometimes I take for granted the health of my body, until a day comes when it hurts to walk or un-buckle my seat-belt. So I'd just like to take this moment to be grateful and say thank you for my health, my family, friends, my job...and I'd like to say thank you for my mind and the soul I have. I cannot imagine a better place I'd rather be right now, than in my apartment with Ben slaving away on side graphic design jobs (albeit he's still drinking coffee at 10pm, lol), Weston sound asleep in his bedroom and me putting dinner left overs away, balancing my budget tracker...and blogging.

Life is pretty fucking fantastic. And yes, I get to say fucking, because it's how I feel :)

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll.

xo

Megs

Friends-Giving at my Sister Rachel's house (she's in the Red Dress)--- we have in order from left to right: Leslie, Becca, Janel, Kendall (Rache's son Kendall), the two long-brown-haired beauties in the middle are sisters and I can't recall their names :(, then Rachel (my sis), and me with Dubs on top :)

I Choose...

I sat down to re-write my 10 year vision and goals... and instead out poured this 'journal entry': 

What I do know is that I create my life. I choose everyday who to be, How to love, and How to show gratitude, patience and love.

I choose light, hope, love, my son, my family. 
I choose me.
I create possibility. 
I choose my thoughts, my future, my goals, what I think, I can create and I become.

I am powerful.
I am strong.

I am not a doormat, to sit and be stepped on. 
I am not a pillow to be slept on or next to and forgotten about.
I am not a soul that is molded into an ideal "thing" or concept.

I am a woman, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover and I am deserving of love and acknowledgement.

Do not put me in a box- do not label me, or try to sand my edges. 
Do not ignore me, or mock me.
Do not fall out of love with me.

I am me. 
I am Meagan.
I am worthy of love and belonging.

I choose possibility. 
I choose family.
I choose, I choose, I choose to be present and grateful everyday.
I choose to love and I choose light- I choose God to show me the light.

Pumpkin Painting

Post Halloween pumpkin fun!

My mom bought Weston the cutest little pumpkin book called, "It's Pumpkin Day, Mouse!" (from the Mouse series: 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...'). 

It teaches toddlers how to recognize facial expressions, and associates the name with the face and feeling. It is adorable and Weston loves it.

We finally got around to painting our Halloween pumpkins, albeit, AFTER Halloween...but better late than never!

Here's what we did:

Just like in the book, we painted a Happy pumpkin, a Sad pumpkin, a Surprised pumpkin, a Silly pumpkin and a SCARY pumpkin. Weston's favorite is the scary one. He had to show Mickey Mouse his pumpkins, too!

Happy Pumpkin Day to all!

...Still

I still love him. 
I still miss him. 
I don't want a divorce. 
Even after all that he's said & done (and didn't do) and what he's putting our family through, I still feel like it's never too late to change, to hope, to make it better...but am I just foolish?

I am so sad tonight.
He called and we talked about Weston. 
Weston got to hear his voice and said "daddy", "hi"...said "bye", and then tonight as I put Weston to bed, he kept saying "daddy" over and over. I kept thinking in my head... 'I know Weston, me too... I miss Daddy, too.'

Why does it have to be this way?

Why does my heart love and miss someone so hurtful and undeserving of me? 
It's because I've been in love with him for 6 years.
I can't turn it off like a light switch...but I wish I could.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” F. Scott Fitzgerald.

...life transition

I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not for the lack of wanting to share, or for the lack of eventful things going on in my life... more like, so much has been happening, that I haven't been able to dedicate the time to sit down and zone in on what exactly I needed or wanted to say. I don't think a lot of people really read my blog, but there were certain things I wanted to express and I wasn't sure I wanted to share intimate details with just anybody.

I've come to a point now, where I feel prompted to send out an invitation for love, light, happiness, gratitude, compassion, prayers, forgiveness and hope...so send those out into the universe for me, will ya?

It's going to sound so crazy. I mean, just typing it on this post makes it seem less real, because I feel like... wait, is this really my life right now?

Jason and I are in the process of getting a divorce... It's been a long time in the making; where certain things just weren't getting resolved, our priorities weren't in alignment with each other, and we lost sight of the sh*t that really mattered. I know I'm being vague... and at some point I can delve into specifics. I don't think that this post is the time and place for that anyway, but I wanted to share with you what I'm going through and quit pretending like everything's "ok".

I came across this quote today, "Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy." It's from the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I read that and thought... exactly. 

Since moving to my mom's in Birch Bay... I have felt more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy than I have in a REALLY long time. And although I am truly happier here, in a stable and positive environment, it still hurts. The process of dealing and acknowledging that my family isn't "whole" and will no longer "be", isn't a happy process. But the reality that the life I was living with Jason, the environment I was in and the person I was molding myself into in order to make others happy, was slowly killing my soul, honestly. So, realizing I'm happier here, without Jason, doesn't make me feel happy...because it's the process that is so heart wrenching.

I don't know if that makes sense...but in the long run, I am going to be a better woman, a stronger version of myself, and a better mother to Weston because of this. Believing in myself enough to demand that I am worthy of love and belonging is so unbelievably hard when you are fighting for your happiness alone, in a marriage where you aren't acknowledged or respected. 

I want to share some photos of Weston, who melts my heart with the adorable things he does, and the sweetest things he says... and the INSANE amount of patience he challenges me to prove I have. He is a special soul, and I hope he knows he is so very loved.

To be continued...

closet doors update!

Update on the chalkboard closet doors: 

We had so much fun. I probably had more fun, though! :)

chalkboard paint!

CHALKBOARD PAINT! 
Yay, I finally started and finished this project.
It was a motha-effer trying to get the closet doors off, so thank goodness Jason put the doors back on for me while I was a work. 
What a nice surprise!

I really wanted to do like every wall and every door in our house, but I settled with just doing Weston's closet room doors.

The Essentials: gluten free beer, aluminum foil, roller, paint, pan & paper weights like a flashlight and a baby book!! :P

Taking a break to smile for the camera!

The Door on the left was the first one I did, and it turned out a bit uneven, but practice makes perfect b/c the 2nd door (on the right) looks beautimous :)

The End.

short hair?

I have been contemplating this for a while... I really want to cut my hair. Every time I cut it though, I tend to do something drastic and chop it off like a pixie hair-do: 

think Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell in Peter Pan.

However, this is ACTUALLY what I looked like, courtesy of Jodi Pena who styled my hair into a fo-hawk. 

This was back in Dec. 2008.

I was a brave soul, once....

I don't actually want to do that kind of hair cut this time around, but I do want to go a bit shorter. Something along the lines of Victoria Beckham:

It really has been nice having long hair, however... I never do anything with it when it is long. On the rare occasion I will curl it and it will look beautiful (says Jason) but I think I'm ready for something bold & fun.

I have to tattle-tale on Jason though, when I told him I wanted to do this hair style/cut he told me he associates this kind of look to women who are b*tches and too good for everyone...haha! I told him HE'S the one placing judgement!

Well...here's to me THINKING very hard about whether or not to take the plunge. 

Hmmm....

Good weather = mini projects

We've been enjoying this beautiful weather and have been able to get a few mini projects out of the way, like digging out the rhubarb plant we had, digging up/sawing off a tree root in our backyard and planting & re-potting my Succulent Plants.

Weston helping Dad shovel out the tree root in the backyard...

Bye bye Rhubarb ...

Griz is getting worked up over the noise of the saw...

These are the "baby" Succulents that were sprouting, I put them in water to re-pot later (I'm thinking they need to be placed in water to establish some root growth first)

The Weekend

This weekend and today have been pretty darn good. 
Both mine and Jason's besties drove up from Bellevue (again): Jodi and Khalid, to slumber over and just hang out (originally for our other gal-friend's baby shower gathering, which fell through, but Jodi came up anyways). 
Khalid insisted on buying Weston a trampoline, and with it came some awesome work-out bands.
This was yesterday morning: Jason and Weston were goofing around. I had to snap some pictures--- Weston was just too funny.

 And these pictures below are of my latest flowering pots: I re-potted the orange pot. Filled her with White Verbena, Fire Orange Zinnia and Bravo Purple Petunias. <3