Breastfeeding in Public?

Normally I wouldn't admit to feeling scared, or judged...normally I brave the world with confidence or I try to 'pretend' I have courage. Sometimes by faking it, we end up truly feeling fearless. But today, I tried to pretend and it didn't work; instead I felt more insecure and nervous than ever.


I am a believer in breastfeeding in public. It is something so beautiful between a mother and her child, and I feel so honored to have known this bond and special relationship with my son. I claim to be an advocate of standing up for yourself, even when others do not agree. When I see other women nursing their little ones in public, I have a GIGANTIC grin beaming in every ounce of my body. I want to shout out, "Good for you!" or give her a thumbs-up so she will continue to have courage to brave this taboo culture we live in with regards to breastfeeding in public.


Awe, but today. Today I was beside myself. I have breastfed Weston in public on a number of occasions, namely restaurants. And I am always accompanied by someone else who gives me the triple shot of "Go For It" boost that, apparently, I need. So, it never occurred to me that I am actually a basket-case when it comes to nursing in public, until I had to do it...alone. I guess there really is strength in numbers.


Weston and I had been running errands all morning, taking Griz to get his hair trimmed, stopping by Bed Bath and Beyond to look for curtains and then a quick stop at Fred Meyer for some Vitamin D drops for little babes, some coconut oil and a lint roller. Weston was certainly due for a nursing session, but for some reason I insisted we run into Freddy's first...then I'd feed him in the car afterwards. Even though this pit stop at Freddy's should have only taken 7-10 minutes to accomplish, Weston did not care. He was hungry now. I tried to explain to him we'd be done in 5 minutes, but how do you reason with a 12 month old? He was fussing throughout the entire store, and usually he's a champ when it comes to grocery shopping. 


"Ok, so here we go" I thought, "I'll feed you in the baby aisle...that makes sense, right? If anyone comes down this aisle, it'd only be natural that a mom would be nursing her kid...RIGHT? No.. not the baby aisle, I'll go hide somewhere so I'm not in the main crowd" I told myself.


Ha, ha so where do I go? The Home Department. It was vacant and near the end of the store and not much foot traffic. Perfect spot. I "pretend" to look at dishes and coffee mugs and the like, all the while I'm feeding Weston. No one knows. No one can see...and yet, my heart is pounding out of my little chest and I'm frightened. I feel like a criminal. It may have been one of the worst moments of feeling so small and intimidated by... who? I was paralyzed at the thought of catching someone's eye and reading the thought "GROSS" come across their mind. Was I feeling ashamed? Judged? 


I read an incredible book a couple of months ago called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. She spent a decade studying and researching shame and fear and how those universal experiences affect us. She writes in her book about "wholeheartedness"...how practicing resilience everyday can change how we love, parent, play and work. Even though I've read her book, and I agree with her research... it's damn hard to face my vulnerabilities and accept that I am good enough, that I am worthy of love.. and that no matter what I've done (or not done) today, that I am ENOUGH. 


So...as I am timidly, (but "pretending" to be non-chalant) nursing my son in Fred Meyer, Brene Brown's book is racing through my mind. I'm trying to find the courage to let go of what other people will think of me in this moment. Finding courage...is so much easier to READ about and TALK about than actually DO.


So, although I totally lacked the courage to FEEL brave, I still ACTED brave. I did indeed feed Weston at Fred Meyer. Although my heart raced like a Nascar driver in the Indy-500, I still fed my son, filled his belly with goodness and he became a happy, talkative little companion for the remainder of trip.


Let me leave you with this quote by Mary Daly, a theologian (from the book, "The Gifts of Imperfection")...

Courage is like--it's a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It's like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging."

So friggin' awesome. I highly recommend this book to everyone.


Here's to COURAGE :)