...life transition

I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not for the lack of wanting to share, or for the lack of eventful things going on in my life... more like, so much has been happening, that I haven't been able to dedicate the time to sit down and zone in on what exactly I needed or wanted to say. I don't think a lot of people really read my blog, but there were certain things I wanted to express and I wasn't sure I wanted to share intimate details with just anybody.

I've come to a point now, where I feel prompted to send out an invitation for love, light, happiness, gratitude, compassion, prayers, forgiveness and hope...so send those out into the universe for me, will ya?

It's going to sound so crazy. I mean, just typing it on this post makes it seem less real, because I feel like... wait, is this really my life right now?

Jason and I are in the process of getting a divorce... It's been a long time in the making; where certain things just weren't getting resolved, our priorities weren't in alignment with each other, and we lost sight of the sh*t that really mattered. I know I'm being vague... and at some point I can delve into specifics. I don't think that this post is the time and place for that anyway, but I wanted to share with you what I'm going through and quit pretending like everything's "ok".

I came across this quote today, "Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy." It's from the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I read that and thought... exactly. 

Since moving to my mom's in Birch Bay... I have felt more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy than I have in a REALLY long time. And although I am truly happier here, in a stable and positive environment, it still hurts. The process of dealing and acknowledging that my family isn't "whole" and will no longer "be", isn't a happy process. But the reality that the life I was living with Jason, the environment I was in and the person I was molding myself into in order to make others happy, was slowly killing my soul, honestly. So, realizing I'm happier here, without Jason, doesn't make me feel happy...because it's the process that is so heart wrenching.

I don't know if that makes sense...but in the long run, I am going to be a better woman, a stronger version of myself, and a better mother to Weston because of this. Believing in myself enough to demand that I am worthy of love and belonging is so unbelievably hard when you are fighting for your happiness alone, in a marriage where you aren't acknowledged or respected. 

I want to share some photos of Weston, who melts my heart with the adorable things he does, and the sweetest things he says... and the INSANE amount of patience he challenges me to prove I have. He is a special soul, and I hope he knows he is so very loved.

To be continued...