...Still

I still love him. 
I still miss him. 
I don't want a divorce. 
Even after all that he's said & done (and didn't do) and what he's putting our family through, I still feel like it's never too late to change, to hope, to make it better...but am I just foolish?

I am so sad tonight.
He called and we talked about Weston. 
Weston got to hear his voice and said "daddy", "hi"...said "bye", and then tonight as I put Weston to bed, he kept saying "daddy" over and over. I kept thinking in my head... 'I know Weston, me too... I miss Daddy, too.'

Why does it have to be this way?

Why does my heart love and miss someone so hurtful and undeserving of me? 
It's because I've been in love with him for 6 years.
I can't turn it off like a light switch...but I wish I could.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” F. Scott Fitzgerald.

...life transition

I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not for the lack of wanting to share, or for the lack of eventful things going on in my life... more like, so much has been happening, that I haven't been able to dedicate the time to sit down and zone in on what exactly I needed or wanted to say. I don't think a lot of people really read my blog, but there were certain things I wanted to express and I wasn't sure I wanted to share intimate details with just anybody.

I've come to a point now, where I feel prompted to send out an invitation for love, light, happiness, gratitude, compassion, prayers, forgiveness and hope...so send those out into the universe for me, will ya?

It's going to sound so crazy. I mean, just typing it on this post makes it seem less real, because I feel like... wait, is this really my life right now?

Jason and I are in the process of getting a divorce... It's been a long time in the making; where certain things just weren't getting resolved, our priorities weren't in alignment with each other, and we lost sight of the sh*t that really mattered. I know I'm being vague... and at some point I can delve into specifics. I don't think that this post is the time and place for that anyway, but I wanted to share with you what I'm going through and quit pretending like everything's "ok".

I came across this quote today, "Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy." It's from the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I read that and thought... exactly. 

Since moving to my mom's in Birch Bay... I have felt more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy than I have in a REALLY long time. And although I am truly happier here, in a stable and positive environment, it still hurts. The process of dealing and acknowledging that my family isn't "whole" and will no longer "be", isn't a happy process. But the reality that the life I was living with Jason, the environment I was in and the person I was molding myself into in order to make others happy, was slowly killing my soul, honestly. So, realizing I'm happier here, without Jason, doesn't make me feel happy...because it's the process that is so heart wrenching.

I don't know if that makes sense...but in the long run, I am going to be a better woman, a stronger version of myself, and a better mother to Weston because of this. Believing in myself enough to demand that I am worthy of love and belonging is so unbelievably hard when you are fighting for your happiness alone, in a marriage where you aren't acknowledged or respected. 

I want to share some photos of Weston, who melts my heart with the adorable things he does, and the sweetest things he says... and the INSANE amount of patience he challenges me to prove I have. He is a special soul, and I hope he knows he is so very loved.

To be continued...