Feel Good

I've been a little busy: single mommy-hood, working full time, dating again, trying to do yoga at least once a week (I'd love to get crossFit in there at some point) but I'm doing pretty good so far. 

Last week I hit up Quantum Yoga Health Lounge and did Starlight Yoga. It was so refreshing and interestingly enough, kind of a spiritual experience. There I was, laying down in savasana, eyes closed... when suddenly I open them and BAM! I'm laying under the stars. I had forgotten where I was and to re-awaken to the night sky bright and beautiful above me seriously just overwhelmed me with gratitude. The instructor and owner of Quantum, Scott, reminded us in class, "..but most importantly remember...Remember to just FEEL GOOD." It's like those words pierced me to the core and I couldn't help but feel so relieved and suddenly so happy. 

What's the point if we don't feel good, right? I know we go through struggles, have issues and trying times.. hello, I'm a witness of all things hectic and painful. But on the flip side of that, I have learned so much about myself and who I am and the person I am capable of being, and already am. 

I just have to remember to just freakin' feel good anyways. If you don't feel good, life is kinda a bummer. 

I get caught up in my head, um a lot. I saw this e-cards thing and it said, " if you want to know what a women's brain is like, picture about 2500 tabs open at once." Hell yes. I am trying to plan my future, my career, my home, where to live, what daycare to put Weston in, what about my long distance boyfriend,how do I find time to cook paleo, clean, raise my son, exercise and go to work? I just feel like I don't know how to juggle it all and need a manual at times. 

But really, oh my gosh... just chill the 'ef out! Take it one day at a time ok?!

I am sipping on a glass of wine and that seems to help sometimes, too :D

But the thing I've found the most critical is to:

a] eat clean (like usual) but really, it's MAKE THE TIME in the morning to eat breakfast
b] MAKE the time to exercise

I did Kundalini Yoga Saturday morning, and this class seriously resets my frequency and vibration in the most AMAZING way ever. We do a lot of breathing, meditating and some chanting. It sounds almost a bit cooky, but it has holds so much power and clears my mind.

When I am doing good things for my body, I feel like I can take on the world.

I am committed to doing yoga once a week. Starting last week. Soooo, this means I have to make it to yoga tomorrow night when Dubs goes with his daddy. 

I am very much looking forward to this time and encourage all of you to do something good for your soul and try some yoga!

Ps. it's Spirit Week at work, today was DECADE day and I chose to represent the 70's era:

We've got 90's Grunge on the far Left, 80's divas next, 70's Hippies and free love in the middle, and our only 50's gal era on the right. So fun!

1]Preparing for my leg lift... 

2]Getting my foot in position.. with my 70's partner, Dae :D

3]Almost there! ...but what is Dae doing?

4]Ta-Da!

xo
Megs

Mind-blown

Today I spoke with one of my best friends, 

who lives far off in a wonderful land called: San Diego, CA. 

She and I used to chat on the phone at least once a week about a year ago or so... and now, I'm lucky if I call her once a month. I've never been a phone person, but it's paramount when you can't visit or run over to hang out on whim, you know?

 But to give both of us some credit, we've had some major events going on in our lives. For starters, she's pregnant with her first! She's nearly 19 weeks along, and she'll soon find out the sex of the baby!

She's been there to listen to my struggles during my former married life... struggles surrounding the major desire to make something work, but in order to do so would sacrifice nearly all my light and love...and would compromise my being into a sad, lonely, and defeated soul. She listened when I told her I was just going to stick it out, no matter what because I wanted so badly to make my family work for my son's sake. She listened when my fire for life flickered to a hault...and she listened when I had given up all hope.

I felt trapped. But you know what. Only our fears trap us.

Only our fears tell us what we can't do. Fear is what limits us and tells us no.

We are beings with unlimited potential and have so much possibility. 

If our fears of "no, can't, shouldn't, unrealistic, maybe, won't, impossible" build up in our minds... we will no longer create possibility for ourselves. 

Sometimes when the thing that you are holding on to... like, a marriage for instance, is suddenly lifted from view, we see possibility where we hadn't before.

I'm not saying my divorce was the best thing that happened. There were many outcomes, possibilities and paths that could have unfolded to land me in the place I am today, but the path that inevitably led me to where I am now, was when the fork in the road said "marriage or divorce" and divorce summoned me.

Ok. Divorce summoned me, but not entirely by choice... there was some strong request and encouragement when those divorce papers subpoena'd me on my doorstep in BirchBay. If you need a refresher, read this. 

I take ownership in where I am now, because every decision and action I've taken has been mine and I am accountable for that.

But my point: I called my girlfriend from San Diego to share some news. 

News about this crazy, hectic, whirlwind of a life that I lead... 

and to share with her how happy I truly am. 

I am feeling so lucky, for several reasons. 

But the one reason I called her specifically was to tell her I met someone. Someone who is pretty special, and who makes me smile ear to ear. I met someone I can speak straight forward with, no inhibitions, be vulnerable with, feel heard and listened to, respected, and laugh a lot with... and OH MY GOSH is that refreshing! 

Not to mention, I'm over the moon attracted to this guy.

So, I call my her on the phone to share in my excitement... and she says to me, (and I'm paraphrasing here, because I have a horrible memory, but the vibe and the energy of what she is saying is what I want to relay to you) 

"You make the best out of everything. You always have. You are happy and make it work, nothing gets you down. No matter what... you bounce back! You are such a good example of happiness and strength.... when something isn't working for you, you recognize it and change it, and even if it's scary, you do it and move on... Yeah you were married for two years and you have a baby, and now divorced but it didn't stop you from living and getting depressed. Not to say you haven't struggled or had your ups and downs, but you are strong and intelligent. You make good decisions and are such an inspiration." 

First of all, she gives me way too much credit! 

But isn't it amazing the perspective of someone else? 

Isn't is mind blowing the view someone else can have of you? I just never think those things directly of myself, but hearing them come from someone who loves and cares for me, and see's me in this LIGHT of good, and grace & beauty...

is completely over-whelming. 

We sometimes don't see our greatness. Sometimes we do. 

But once in a while it's important to see someone else's take, stance, view, perspective,  and experience of ourselves. 

It's a beautiful thing really.

Ask someone you know.. what do they think about you, good or not so good.

Seeing things from a new view can be mind-blowing.

It was for me. 

So, thanks for sharing girlfriend.

xo

Met a woman, who nursed in public!

You want to know what I am feeling right now?

Excitement. Pure excitement.

Excited for this moment, for tomorrow, and thankful for my past...but mostly, I'm simply excited for what is and for what is to come.
At this moment, Weston is napping and safe in his room. And that means I get a free minute to put some thoughts on paper.. or, um... in this day of technology, I'm gonna blog about it :D

I'm excited to be so provoked, moved, and full of compassion in regards to a particular incident that happened at work.

I know I've blogged about breast feeding before, Breastfeeding in Public? Also,remember that New York Times article back in 2012? Here's a quick refresher if ya'll missed out on the blog post I did on that controversy, Breastfeeding a Toddler?

I was at work last week and suddenly there was a suspicious buzz about the air.. another co-worker was trying to whisper something to me and another co-worker while we were lingering about the cash registers. 
"What?" 
I asked my co-worker to repeat herself like 3 times and finally the other gal next to me, looks passed me for a millisecond...and then responds, "Oh, I get it."

I'm still perplexed and confused. I think to myself, "You get what? What am I missing?"

As I walk away from the cash registers and my co-workers, I notice a mom sitting down in a corner with her son in her lap. She is nursing him. I quickly glance away... and think, "OH!... this is what the buzz was about."

There are times in our lives when we see things and don't speak up for good or for worse, and I knew that at this moment, I wanted to talk to this mom. I was flushed with adrenaline and happiness. Compassion and empathy sprang from me like a trampoline! It's difficult to find the words to fully express my emotions. But I felt compelled to talk to this mom and tell her that I too, can relate. I've been in public, nursing, feeling judged and hearing whispers wrought about by the decision to breastfeed in public. 

Nerves flooded me and I wasn't sure how to approach this mom, but I wanted to so badly. 
I strolled up to her, knelt down and said, "I love that you're breastfeeding your son right now. I just want you to know I think it's just so beautiful. I still nurse my 2 year old son, too."

The mom looks at me, smiles and says, "Oh this is no biggie.. this is my 2nd child. I'm used to this now." I just wanted to hug her and thank her for being brave. 

What would I have given when I was a brand new mom, nursing Weston at Fred Meyer...scared out of my mind, thinking someone was going to kick me out of the store, for another mom to come up to me and say, "Hey, good job!"

I didn't know this mom's history, or know her story...but I knew I had to give her acknowledgement and a thumbs-up of some-sort. This excerpt from the book, "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" resonates so LOUDLY with me. I love it:

"Many women are surprised by the passion they come to feel about breastfeeding. If you meet another breastfeeding woman anywhere in the world, you feel a connection, no matter how different her culture is, and no matter how long ago you or she breastfed your babies. Not many of us felt this passionately about breastfeeding until we did it ourselves, and many of us remember it as one of the best things we do in our lives. The experience is just that powerful."

LA LECHE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL; Diane Wiessinger; Diana West; Teresa Pitman (2010-07-09). The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (Kindle Locations 548-551). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

You know what I find myself doing?... and I mean, I do this a lot. I take pictures of Weston and I nursing. This relationship will eventually end, but I want to capture every moment I can. It really is that special and that powerful of a bond. 

Here's some random pictures I found on my camera phone of breastfeeding Dubs:

May 2013, after work nursing session. I love how Weston's hands always caress my face during this time.

Last week, May 2013: after a long day at work... this is how we re-connect xoxo

Breastfeeding Gymnastics... you mom's out there know what I'm talking about :)

A couple of weeks ago, April 2013

Mother's Day 2013

Mother's Day 2013, his hands always find their way to my face :)

Mother's Day May 12th, 2013

Last Summer, 2012.

Last summer, 2012.

Last summer, 2012

Fell asleep on me, nursing. Taken a couple of months ago, Feb 2013 I think.

Anyway, just wanted to share. Have a great rest of the week!

xo

Megs

tickles...

My Life As a Mom... 

...consists of a lot of tickling & wrestling.

And, in closing:

F*d up Holiday

"No one’s gonna take my soul away, 
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday."-- Lana Del Rey

I was thinking how true it is that yes, no one is gonna take my soul away... but I'm not necessarily living like Jim Morrison, however, I agree that I am headed for a fucked up holiday.

Here's why... 

It's so fucked up that this is the first Holiday without family together. Jason is out of the picture, so it's just me and Dubs. My mom will be in the hospital on Thanksgiving for Wayne's 2nd knee surgery, and so there we have it: a fucked up holiday. 

I mean, I guess you could call if fucked up: divorce, no real plans, no momma-mother-matriarch to plan a Thanksgiving as she'll be tending her husband in surgery.

But really, I am truly grateful for all of it.

I am so grateful for such a fucking fantastic family. 

I live with one of the most inspiring, self educated, talented, charismatic persons in the world: Ben, my brother. 

He is such a god-send. He volunteers to watch Weston while I run to the grocery store. I mean this is huge.. going to the grocery store without a kid in-tow is like a mini-vacation, SeRIOUS!

Ok, so then I pull into the parking lot of our apartment and I see Ben and Weston swinging and dancing from the sidewalk. I just know Weston has so much fun with Uncle Ben. 

I know that Weston loves his Oma Becky, and looks forward to seeing her when I head to work during the week.

I am so grateful for my sister, Rachel...she offers me life and longevity and helps put things in perspective. I am so lucky we accidentally had kids together, only 3 months apart.

I am also grateful for my friendships: Liz, you inspire me to believe in myself and acknowledge the greatness that resides within me. Your example to love, lead and explore inspire me.

I'm also so lucky for the friendships I have at work and love them. I look forward to each day at work and could not ask to work for a better company and group of people.

I am truly so fortunate to have such kindness, generosity, love and compassion given to me by others. I hope to reciprocate it.

I am grateful for my health. I don't always remember that I have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) but I am so fortunate to have the ability to eat clean and well, and for that I am blessed to experience less episodes of pain and flare ups (thank you Paleo!). I think sometimes I take for granted the health of my body, until a day comes when it hurts to walk or un-buckle my seat-belt. So I'd just like to take this moment to be grateful and say thank you for my health, my family, friends, my job...and I'd like to say thank you for my mind and the soul I have. I cannot imagine a better place I'd rather be right now, than in my apartment with Ben slaving away on side graphic design jobs (albeit he's still drinking coffee at 10pm, lol), Weston sound asleep in his bedroom and me putting dinner left overs away, balancing my budget tracker...and blogging.

Life is pretty fucking fantastic. And yes, I get to say fucking, because it's how I feel :)

Happy Thanksgiving ya'll.

xo

Megs

Friends-Giving at my Sister Rachel's house (she's in the Red Dress)--- we have in order from left to right: Leslie, Becca, Janel, Kendall (Rache's son Kendall), the two long-brown-haired beauties in the middle are sisters and I can't recall their names :(, then Rachel (my sis), and me with Dubs on top :)

I Choose...

I sat down to re-write my 10 year vision and goals... and instead out poured this 'journal entry': 

What I do know is that I create my life. I choose everyday who to be, How to love, and How to show gratitude, patience and love.

I choose light, hope, love, my son, my family. 
I choose me.
I create possibility. 
I choose my thoughts, my future, my goals, what I think, I can create and I become.

I am powerful.
I am strong.

I am not a doormat, to sit and be stepped on. 
I am not a pillow to be slept on or next to and forgotten about.
I am not a soul that is molded into an ideal "thing" or concept.

I am a woman, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover and I am deserving of love and acknowledgement.

Do not put me in a box- do not label me, or try to sand my edges. 
Do not ignore me, or mock me.
Do not fall out of love with me.

I am me. 
I am Meagan.
I am worthy of love and belonging.

I choose possibility. 
I choose family.
I choose, I choose, I choose to be present and grateful everyday.
I choose to love and I choose light- I choose God to show me the light.

Pumpkin Painting

Post Halloween pumpkin fun!

My mom bought Weston the cutest little pumpkin book called, "It's Pumpkin Day, Mouse!" (from the Mouse series: 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...'). 

It teaches toddlers how to recognize facial expressions, and associates the name with the face and feeling. It is adorable and Weston loves it.

We finally got around to painting our Halloween pumpkins, albeit, AFTER Halloween...but better late than never!

Here's what we did:

Just like in the book, we painted a Happy pumpkin, a Sad pumpkin, a Surprised pumpkin, a Silly pumpkin and a SCARY pumpkin. Weston's favorite is the scary one. He had to show Mickey Mouse his pumpkins, too!

Happy Pumpkin Day to all!

...Still

I still love him. 
I still miss him. 
I don't want a divorce. 
Even after all that he's said & done (and didn't do) and what he's putting our family through, I still feel like it's never too late to change, to hope, to make it better...but am I just foolish?

I am so sad tonight.
He called and we talked about Weston. 
Weston got to hear his voice and said "daddy", "hi"...said "bye", and then tonight as I put Weston to bed, he kept saying "daddy" over and over. I kept thinking in my head... 'I know Weston, me too... I miss Daddy, too.'

Why does it have to be this way?

Why does my heart love and miss someone so hurtful and undeserving of me? 
It's because I've been in love with him for 6 years.
I can't turn it off like a light switch...but I wish I could.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” F. Scott Fitzgerald.

...life transition

I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not for the lack of wanting to share, or for the lack of eventful things going on in my life... more like, so much has been happening, that I haven't been able to dedicate the time to sit down and zone in on what exactly I needed or wanted to say. I don't think a lot of people really read my blog, but there were certain things I wanted to express and I wasn't sure I wanted to share intimate details with just anybody.

I've come to a point now, where I feel prompted to send out an invitation for love, light, happiness, gratitude, compassion, prayers, forgiveness and hope...so send those out into the universe for me, will ya?

It's going to sound so crazy. I mean, just typing it on this post makes it seem less real, because I feel like... wait, is this really my life right now?

Jason and I are in the process of getting a divorce... It's been a long time in the making; where certain things just weren't getting resolved, our priorities weren't in alignment with each other, and we lost sight of the sh*t that really mattered. I know I'm being vague... and at some point I can delve into specifics. I don't think that this post is the time and place for that anyway, but I wanted to share with you what I'm going through and quit pretending like everything's "ok".

I came across this quote today, "Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy." It's from the book, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I read that and thought... exactly. 

Since moving to my mom's in Birch Bay... I have felt more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy than I have in a REALLY long time. And although I am truly happier here, in a stable and positive environment, it still hurts. The process of dealing and acknowledging that my family isn't "whole" and will no longer "be", isn't a happy process. But the reality that the life I was living with Jason, the environment I was in and the person I was molding myself into in order to make others happy, was slowly killing my soul, honestly. So, realizing I'm happier here, without Jason, doesn't make me feel happy...because it's the process that is so heart wrenching.

I don't know if that makes sense...but in the long run, I am going to be a better woman, a stronger version of myself, and a better mother to Weston because of this. Believing in myself enough to demand that I am worthy of love and belonging is so unbelievably hard when you are fighting for your happiness alone, in a marriage where you aren't acknowledged or respected. 

I want to share some photos of Weston, who melts my heart with the adorable things he does, and the sweetest things he says... and the INSANE amount of patience he challenges me to prove I have. He is a special soul, and I hope he knows he is so very loved.

To be continued...

closet doors update!

Update on the chalkboard closet doors: 

We had so much fun. I probably had more fun, though! :)

chalkboard paint!

CHALKBOARD PAINT! 
Yay, I finally started and finished this project.
It was a motha-effer trying to get the closet doors off, so thank goodness Jason put the doors back on for me while I was a work. 
What a nice surprise!

I really wanted to do like every wall and every door in our house, but I settled with just doing Weston's closet room doors.

The Essentials: gluten free beer, aluminum foil, roller, paint, pan & paper weights like a flashlight and a baby book!! :P

Taking a break to smile for the camera!

The Door on the left was the first one I did, and it turned out a bit uneven, but practice makes perfect b/c the 2nd door (on the right) looks beautimous :)

The End.